Wednesday, October 29, 2008


So, I have a few questions as to why people do things the way they do. See if you agree.

Why does the guy at Jiffy Lube stand outside when he's not busy and wave to me as I drive by at 8 AM as if he knows me? I mean really, its 33 degrees outside, snot is frozen on his mustache, and he thinks because he's standing out there waving to me I'll just "pop in" and get my oil changed, or maybe some 20 dollar wiper blades? Do they just put Jiffy Lube's in areas of low intelligence? Yep, as I passed by I thought, by golly, I think I need to have my oil changed, so I'll just pull in here and see friendly Hank and have him change the oil in my car while I enjoy some tea and crumpets and look at the latest edition of FHM (For Him Magazine). Really, why?

Why does our state mandate payment for neonatal screening tests for 29 conditions that have an incidence of less than 1 in 25,000 to less than 1 in 100,000? I mean really, would not the money be better spent on things that are more common, like preventing asthma and allergies from second-hand smoke exposure. There's probably enough money spent on these screening tests that eventually would be identified you could pay every new parent smoker to quit. Really, why?

I've had a few patients die recently and have attended their funerals. It is very interesting that a eulogy is given. You know, a eulogy is praise of a person. Would it not be better to praise them while they are alive? I mean, if the eulogy is about the person who died, what purpose does it serve to praise them when they can't hear you? Sure, it serves a purpose for those who are at the funeral, but they probably knew the person well enough that the praises being expoused were already known. It is, in essence, preaching to the choir. It's like going to the Sirloin Stockade, standing up in the resturaunt and announcing how succulent, tender, moist,and tasty the sliced roast beef is when everyone there has already tasted it. What I would propose are elegies (poems written about the dead), just because I like rhymes.

Need to grab a fast meal that looks after your abs? Heading for a "grilled" chicken sandwich? Well, guess what! Keep eating them and that 6 pack will become a 4 pack (or a 1 roll will become a 2 roll). I have patients that work at a certain fast food chain who tell me that sure, they're grilled, before they're frozen. But to thaw them and cook 'em up, they just throw them in the fryer, and whamo, after 90 seconds, they're done. So grilled chicken breast is what you call that? That's like taking a cholesterol lowering drug that acutally causes a heart attack, or ordering a diet pepsi and getting a regular pepsi. Or calling Britanny Spears a good role model (sure, she started out fine on Disney, but now? I guess with her you at least know what you're getting).

Our state has started puting government-funded TV ads on about getting out to vote and registering to vote. Really, you need to advertize to get voters? This is a good way to spend tax dollars? If you aren't educated enough to know to get out and register to vote and subsequently vote, I don't know if I want your vote counting in the election, because will it really be an informed choice your making, or will you always pick candidate C because that's what got you that passing D grade on your high-school geometry tests? Way to go state!

At the airport, do you really need a sign at the security check point that states "no guns." I think if you're dumb enough to go up there with a weapon, you deserve a good body cavity search. Maybe they'll find your brain up there before you're done and you head to the gates. That way maybe you won't board the wrong plane. See, it really is for your own good to not have that sign at the security check point!

Okay, so I could go on and on, but I have to wrap it up. Here are a few wasteful "really's" that are the result of the legal system.

McDonald's coffee cups warning that the coffee is hot and may cause burns.

Plastic bags with warnings to not put them over your head as they may cause suffocation.

Cigarette packages stating that their product may cause lung cancer and emphysema.

Gas station signs telling you to not smoke at the pump.

Hot tubs and swimming pools with a warning to not leave children unattended in them.

Beware of dog signs. Um, if it ain't your dog, don't mess with it.

Yard sale signs. Still can't get anyone to sell me their sod. What a farce.

Mattress tags. Um, took mine off and I've been on the run from the law ever since.

Menu warnings that eating raw or undercooked meat can lead to salmonella inection. Really?

Boxes of drinking glasses and dishes bought at stores that state on them "fragile: handle with care."

Budweiser Ad's that end with "Drink Responsibly."

Raw meat packaging that states: "Wash hands after handling."

Paint cans: "Do not inhale."

Herbicides: "Do not ingest."

Snow Ski resorts: "Not responsible for lost items."

If you're unfortunate enough to have suffered from the negative outcomes of not adhering to the above common sensicals, I encourage you to go to an airport security area packing heat. They'll help you become educated and you'll quickly learn the value of employing common sense.


The Unconventional Doctor's Wife said...

REALLY?! You are so funny. Your sarcasm serves an entertaining purpose, Mr. Witty, that's part of why I love you.

I think your next blog should be an elegie you would like written about you (A VERY LONG TIME FROM NOW).

Kimber said...

Absolutely hilarious, and unfortunately true.

SondreLyn said...

Funny stuff... I always get a giggle from the "contents are extremely hot" warning on my coffee cup... but I am easily amused! I had to read the "packing heat" at the airport comment to my husband (he's a cop) too funny!