Sunday, January 18, 2009


I just want to apologize to my faithful who like to read my blogs. I have been unashamedly uncreative for the past 5 or 6 weeks. I apologize. I just have not had it in me to invest the time and effort to find something creative to say about being a rural physician and a real human. I hope to return soon, as my children are often an awesome inspiration for me and I know that they have provided some opportunities, they are ones I'm just not sure of sharing yet.
Thank you for your patience and willingness to return to read my blogs.
If you want more regular updates, check out my wife's blog at
She keeps hers much more up to date than I.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Physician, Heal Thyself


So I will admit it.
I hate to.
I don't like to.
I mean, I have an INFANT!

I have 4 kids, some very onry.

But its true,


Laugh Lines.

Knee Arthritis.
Had to give up jogging and start swimming.

I have to take cholesterol medicine because I like stuff like this.

So there's other medicines I have to take to keep myself working properly.

I decided to purchase some more palatable over-the-counter medicine the other day to assist my being honest with patients and not full of, well, you know.

So I made a fatal mistake.
Now I have made this mistake before and it has resulted in things like this:

Dessitin hair gel

Dessitin balloons

Dessitin cups washes (they get rashes too)

Left-over pankcake breakfast served over shag with juice

Pirate raids of leftover pancakes

Mouths stuffed with who knows what,

and mouths stuffed full of fully organic leaves.

One proud moment was my ice cream, found at 7 am in the hands of a little boy

They had decided to have homemade cookies-and-cream ice cream that morning,
dipping partially frozen cookie dough in the ice cream before munching away.

Spoons, of course, were included, I mean, that is what is proper
(we've taught them well - ALWAYS use utensils).

This one looked guilty, but had no explanation.

This one handled the interrogation well,
seeking comfort in his thumb,
and looking rather pitiful and ignoring the questions.

I must admit, he is a boy with my own heart's desire -
Ice cream in the morning,
candy and chocolate whenever it can be sneaked,
even large gulps of daddy's soda pop.

He definitely has this one right on.

Sitting on the pot and watching TV. He is a boy!

So this day the wonderful strawberry fiber tablet bottle was empty.
So my wife inquired how many the eldest son ate (Bub is his name).
4 to 8 was the deducted reply.
She inquired as to where the rest were.
The little guy (Bud) had some as well as evidenced by the pink drool stains on his shirt.
Some were found in the computer.
The rest, Bub informed us, were cooking in the microwave.

We don't know what the plan was for those, but they were ruined.

So the eldest had eaten a total of 12-20 grams of fiber in a 30 minute period.

The youngest (bud) had eaten 4 grams of fiber in a 30 minute period.

The end result was

having them drink lots of water

Lots of tootles

And I'll spare you the details of the rest of the story.

The moral of this story is...

Physician, protect your medicine.

Always have extra diapers on hand.

If you have kids, go with the powder fiber and keep it in the sugar jar.
Then you will have a psychological draw to taking it,
and your kids will have a psychological aversion to eating sugar.

Enjoy and laugh at the creativity of your kids,
lest you miss the joys of life.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Nope, not the show. No Keifer Sutherland here. It's not my age. It's not how many pets I have. It may be how many Star Wars figures I have, or the average number of patients that I see in a day, but this blog is not about that. It is a time period that defines a day. I had a particularly great 24 hours that I thought I would share.

It started October 31 at 6 pm. The kids were all dressed up and ready to go. They seemed already juiced up on sugar, but it was the anticipation and the sugar rush would come later.

So we headed out, 7 walkers and one stroller, across brick streets and broken sidewalks. We saw all sorts on the way, from Spiderman to gouls, and fortunately all were friendly.

One place had my littlest a little bugged out, but he survived the attack of the big furry spider diddled on a string over the driveway by our interesting friend. I don't know if his reaction was due to the creepiness of the gentleman or if was due to some sour sweet-tarts he was eating. Either way, the look is worth a thousand words.

One friendly princess couldn't resist revealing her true colors as she lit her firestick to start casting spells on sugar-spunked kids. Maybe it was part of her character for halloween, or maybe it was part of her weight-loss plan. I don't know, I just found it funny. It's like smoking in your wedding dress - high class!

As the kids got tired, the complaints started coming.

My feet hurt!

My legs are tired!

I want to see mommy!

I want to go to my house!

I'm hungry! Can I have some candy?

We returned home, where the kids ate and I had the privilege of sitting on the porch handing out candy. One tricker-treater asked "can I trick or treat here for some water?" Yep, guess he was a'thursty. Some hispanic kids came dressed up as, well, kids. When asked what they were dressed up as, they could not get their stories straight, giving me answers of "homos" and "kids" and "mexicans." Really, very creative, and very lazy! At least put in some effort and don't conform to the preconceived notion that some have of some hispanic persons. One even tried to cope my hot dogs I had sitting there for dinner as their halloween treat! The kids came out and ran wild on the porch, giving out candy to tricker-treaters, even begging them to come up to our home. Do you think this one needs a little more social interaction?

The day ended with fast baths, cleaning up, and turning in as the morning would come quickly- at least for me!

Yep, 5:30 am, and that is not what time I arose. It was the time I was on the road for a very important day. You see, as an alumn of a local university whose football team has struggled intermittently over the past 10 years with a rival university within the state who has had success over the past 10 years, I have a duty and obligation to fully support my alumnus on this day.

The opportunity came via the graciousness of my wife ( in the form of a birthday gift, called tickets. Yep, tickets back to my alma mater to enjoy the intrastate rivalry. What a glorious gift it was, as I love college f-ball and judgement had prevented me from purchasing season tickets this year. I was excited, elated, to experience this day.

I decided to take my pops with me, so I picked him up and we headed to my alma mater. The drive was filled with scenery, discussion of politics, diet Dr. Pepper, and, of course, McDonald's McGriddles.

On arrival, the tailgaters were out in full force. The university was glowing in the colors of oncoming fall. The tempurature was cool but warming up. The attitude was serene, and the anticipation was boiling, as my alma mater had struggled defensively as of late and their in-state rival made a run at a top 5 team the week before.

Before the game, my pops and I roamed the hill, enjoying the scenery and the pre-game excitement. He was not game-ready, however, so we supported the local bookstore sites by purchasing various assundries that would give us the appearance of true fans (can't tell who we were rooting for, can ya).

We entered the stadium and watched pre-game warm ups. We had awesome seats and were surrounded, amazingly, by other KU alumns who had entered into the medical field. A great day with wonderful weather, sightly scenery, comraderie company, and anxious anticipation. My team seemed ready and hyped to play their hardest.

My alma mater did not disappoint. They scored 31 unanswered points and all knew at the half that the game was over. My arms got tired from waving the wheat so much. An impaired rival fan who spilt pop down my back about 6 minutes into the game even gave up and went home to sleep off whatever had impaired her (don't worry, the pop did no harm and she offered to purchase me drinks at the snack bar and tried to give me her peanuts, but I deferred under the muse of being on a low salt diet - you don't take a rival's nuts)!

The half was filled with entertainment, hot dogs, pretzels, diet coke, and some shade. The second half was more of the same, a rout by the home team, my alma mater.

We knew who would win, and the unfortunate coach of the other team, failing where they had in previous years had success, could hear the hammering of the last nail in his coffin being driven as the second quarter came to an end. I think his job had even ended at the half and he had a new job during the second half, as evidenced by the pictures!

After the game, we enjoyed some bar-b-que - pulled pork has no better place than between the halves of a whole wheat bun. We then ended the day with a 4 hour drive with more great conversation with pops and beautiful scenery, rainbow included.

So those were a great 24 hours full of fun, laughs, smiles, sweets, good food, anticipation, excitement, connecting, beauty, and of course, a win. All I can say to my beautiful, wonderful wife is thank you, thank you, thank you for a wonderful 24!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


So, I have a few questions as to why people do things the way they do. See if you agree.

Why does the guy at Jiffy Lube stand outside when he's not busy and wave to me as I drive by at 8 AM as if he knows me? I mean really, its 33 degrees outside, snot is frozen on his mustache, and he thinks because he's standing out there waving to me I'll just "pop in" and get my oil changed, or maybe some 20 dollar wiper blades? Do they just put Jiffy Lube's in areas of low intelligence? Yep, as I passed by I thought, by golly, I think I need to have my oil changed, so I'll just pull in here and see friendly Hank and have him change the oil in my car while I enjoy some tea and crumpets and look at the latest edition of FHM (For Him Magazine). Really, why?

Why does our state mandate payment for neonatal screening tests for 29 conditions that have an incidence of less than 1 in 25,000 to less than 1 in 100,000? I mean really, would not the money be better spent on things that are more common, like preventing asthma and allergies from second-hand smoke exposure. There's probably enough money spent on these screening tests that eventually would be identified you could pay every new parent smoker to quit. Really, why?

I've had a few patients die recently and have attended their funerals. It is very interesting that a eulogy is given. You know, a eulogy is praise of a person. Would it not be better to praise them while they are alive? I mean, if the eulogy is about the person who died, what purpose does it serve to praise them when they can't hear you? Sure, it serves a purpose for those who are at the funeral, but they probably knew the person well enough that the praises being expoused were already known. It is, in essence, preaching to the choir. It's like going to the Sirloin Stockade, standing up in the resturaunt and announcing how succulent, tender, moist,and tasty the sliced roast beef is when everyone there has already tasted it. What I would propose are elegies (poems written about the dead), just because I like rhymes.

Need to grab a fast meal that looks after your abs? Heading for a "grilled" chicken sandwich? Well, guess what! Keep eating them and that 6 pack will become a 4 pack (or a 1 roll will become a 2 roll). I have patients that work at a certain fast food chain who tell me that sure, they're grilled, before they're frozen. But to thaw them and cook 'em up, they just throw them in the fryer, and whamo, after 90 seconds, they're done. So grilled chicken breast is what you call that? That's like taking a cholesterol lowering drug that acutally causes a heart attack, or ordering a diet pepsi and getting a regular pepsi. Or calling Britanny Spears a good role model (sure, she started out fine on Disney, but now? I guess with her you at least know what you're getting).

Our state has started puting government-funded TV ads on about getting out to vote and registering to vote. Really, you need to advertize to get voters? This is a good way to spend tax dollars? If you aren't educated enough to know to get out and register to vote and subsequently vote, I don't know if I want your vote counting in the election, because will it really be an informed choice your making, or will you always pick candidate C because that's what got you that passing D grade on your high-school geometry tests? Way to go state!

At the airport, do you really need a sign at the security check point that states "no guns." I think if you're dumb enough to go up there with a weapon, you deserve a good body cavity search. Maybe they'll find your brain up there before you're done and you head to the gates. That way maybe you won't board the wrong plane. See, it really is for your own good to not have that sign at the security check point!

Okay, so I could go on and on, but I have to wrap it up. Here are a few wasteful "really's" that are the result of the legal system.

McDonald's coffee cups warning that the coffee is hot and may cause burns.

Plastic bags with warnings to not put them over your head as they may cause suffocation.

Cigarette packages stating that their product may cause lung cancer and emphysema.

Gas station signs telling you to not smoke at the pump.

Hot tubs and swimming pools with a warning to not leave children unattended in them.

Beware of dog signs. Um, if it ain't your dog, don't mess with it.

Yard sale signs. Still can't get anyone to sell me their sod. What a farce.

Mattress tags. Um, took mine off and I've been on the run from the law ever since.

Menu warnings that eating raw or undercooked meat can lead to salmonella inection. Really?

Boxes of drinking glasses and dishes bought at stores that state on them "fragile: handle with care."

Budweiser Ad's that end with "Drink Responsibly."

Raw meat packaging that states: "Wash hands after handling."

Paint cans: "Do not inhale."

Herbicides: "Do not ingest."

Snow Ski resorts: "Not responsible for lost items."

If you're unfortunate enough to have suffered from the negative outcomes of not adhering to the above common sensicals, I encourage you to go to an airport security area packing heat. They'll help you become educated and you'll quickly learn the value of employing common sense.